Musings of a Sassy Lady – Love shouldn’t be that hard

The other day K and I were gisting, obviously not our first time, but this particular topic is the regular couples’ dreaded talk. No normal couple will allow their conversation travel to that extreme.

We were conversing about death, afterlife and remarrying.

Oh!! I should inform you that K is my lawfully wedded husband of 2 years and my best friend of 12 years.

We started the relationship in my last year as a teenager, while he was barely half-way into his 20’s.

We practically had all our firsts together and we’ve grown to accept each other into our core.

So imagine why despite still being in our early 30’s we were conversing about who should die first?

This is how the conversation went;

K: (discussion about an unrelated topic) you know that it would be nice to build our retirement home right?

Me: Yea, it will be a great place to finally rest and die with you in.

K: You must be crazy to think I’ll allow you die and leave me on earth, trust me to scabash(pray in tongues) you back.

T: Tah!!!! I’ll tell the angels not to carry the request, just hold it there. So you’ll prefer you die first ni? No now!!

K: Yes now, we both know you are the crazy one, which means you’ll perform better than I would if alone.

Me: Relax young man, I won’t die on you early. I’ll ensure I don’t leave till we’ve welcomed our great grand children, so we would just be months apart or at most a year or two. Meanwhile if you consider remarrying penren, I will kuku come and carry you immediately then.

K: if you know you wouldn’t allow me transition to the great beyond first, then kill this topic now.

Me: Just free me ooo.

This is often how our conversations go; we agree to disagree, then disagree to agree.

When we first decided to set out on this marital journey, many of the realities that followed weren’t planned nor prepared for, but our total commitment to our friendship and believe in each other has helped us scale through the many life’s hurdles.

Our individual learnings from marriages around us wasn’t enough preparation for some of the realities either, yet our consistent need to communicate did the magic many times over.

This journey called marriage will never be peculiar to all, we shall all travel on different road map, yet, many authors have submitted that marrying one’s friend has a beautiful way of making the journey even more desirable.

Yet, it won’t be possible for everyone to marry their friends, so what then happens to such new found love that is already set on the marital journey.

First, they must be willing to understand their inadequacies, especially that they may not know their partners fully. It’s quite tricky that spending eternity with a fellow may not literary translate into knowing that person.

We can only trust that time will reveal all of the person’s behaviour and personality. This is because, with time, a pretender may forget to keep up the act, thereby exposing  his/her true nature.

The smartest way to find this out would be to see the person when they are angry and losing steam. This is when you would get to know how much of themselves they can’t control because of seething anger.
Another will be to see them when they are happy. This is because, it’s a proven fact that many can’t control what they say when they are excited. They would inadvertently be exposing their secret in the place of happiness.

Yet another will be to see them when they are hurting.

I personally believe it’s a dangerous adventure for anyone to travel the marital journey with a partner who can’t be vulnerable with them. The reason isn’t far fetched, we all have our low moments, isn’t this what King Solomon sounded to us heavily in his book, how disastrous will it then be, if my partner can’t be satisfied with my shoulder alone during his moment of hurt.

The second important point is that the two parties must work in unison to keep their communication line open. This will measure the individual effort and willingness to bring stability into the union.

Love itself is in the effort we put into it, this means that the couples must constantly attempt to communicate their individual needs, which could be very numerous allowing their partners the opportunity to satisfy them.

To achieve this second phase, I will always disagree with the view point that every woman wants this or that, or the popular lines people use to sell their products, “buy this and make him happy’.

The very best gift you can give your spouse is to meet them where they want to be met. What this means is, if attention is what I need from my partner, if he turns up with only material gifts without the commensurate attention, it’s a NO!!

That won’t satisfy my needs at that very moment. Should I also crave for any act of service, he shouldn’t then come sit with me, thinking every woman wants attention every time. NO sir!

What I need is for you to be busy for me doing stuffs around the house, no sitting pretty man!

Even during revered bed fellowship, no man should assume that the same G sport exist for every woman and women shouldn’t compare notes too.

We all deserve a new page you know, a page we can both commune and commit fully to discovering the many talents that exist within our mortal body.

Allow me hide my pen for now, but know that certainly, love isn’t meant to be so hard. We can have fun while in love.