How to choose your mentor – pitch in Mentors are for life! Work in progress
People who change their mind because they learned something are the winner, whereas those who stubbornly refuse to learn are the losers.
When two people believe opposite things, chances are that one of them is wrong. It pays to find out if that someone is you. That’s why it is important that you appreciate and develop the art of thoughtful disagreement.
In thoughtful disagreement, the goal is not to convince the other party that you are right – it is to find out which view is true and decide what to do about it. In thoughtful disagreement, both parties are motivated by the genuine fear of missing important perspectives. Exchanges in which you really see what the other person is seeing and they really see what you are seeing – with both your “higher-level you’s” trying to get the truth – are immensely helpful and a giant source of untapped potential.
To do this well, you need to approach the conversation in a way that conveys that you are just trying to understand. Use questions rather than make statements. Conduct the discussion in a calm and dispassionate manner and encourage the other person to do that as well. Remember, you are not arguing, you are openly exploring what is true. Be reasonable and expect others to be reasonable. If you are calm, collegial, and respectful you will do a lot better than if you are not. You’ll get better at this with practice.
To me, its pointless when people get angry with each other when they disagree because most disagreement s aren’t threats as much as opportunities for learning. People who change their mind because they learned something are the winner, whereas those who stubbornly refuse to learn are the losers.
You should be what I call open-minded and assertive at the same time – you should hold and explore conflicting possibilities in your mind while moving fluidly towards whatever is likely to be true based on what you learn. Some people can do this easily while others can’t. A good exercise to make sure that you are doing this well is to describe back to the person you are disagreeing with their perspective. If they agree that you’ve got it, then you are in good shape. I also recommend that both parties observe a “two-minute rule” in which neither interrupts the other, so they both have time to get all their thoughts out.
Some people worry that operating this way is time consuming. Working through disagreement does take time but its just about the best way you can spend it. What’s important is that you prioritize what you spend time on and who you spend it with.
There are lots of people who will disagree with you, and it would be unproductive to consider all their views. It doesn’t pay to be open-minded with everyone. Spend your time exploring ideas with the most believable people you have access to.
If you find you’re at an impasse, agree on a person you both respect and enlist them to help moderate the discussion. What’s counter-productive is spinning in your own head about what’s going in, which most people are prone to do – or wasting time disagreeing past the point of diminishing returns. When that happens, move on to a more productive way of getting to a mutual understanding, which isn’t necessarily the same thing as agreement. For example, you might agree to disagree.
Why doesn’t thoughtful disagreement like this this typically occur?
Because most people are instinctively reluctant to disagree. For example, if two people go to a restaurant and one says he likes the food, the other is more likely to say “I like it too” or not say anything at all, even if that’s not true. The reluctance to disagree is the “lower-level you’s” mistaken interpretation of disagreement as conflict. That’s why radical open-mindedness isn’t easy: You need to teach yourself the art of having exchanges in wats that don’t trigger such reactions in yourself or others.
Holding wrong opinions in one’s head and making bad decisions based on them instead of having thoughtful disagreement is one of the greatest tragedies of mankind. Being able to thoughtfully disagree would so easily lead to radically improved decision making in all areas – Public policy, medicine, philanthropy, personal relationship and more.
Culled from Ray Dalio’s Principles
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