Domestic Violence – the monster within us all

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Some women are monsters. Some moms, aunties, sisters, and friends, will ask a woman to bear it, due to her financial incapacities, moral requirements, social standings of a woman, and so on. They will say “he is a provider, stay where your bread is buttered

How many will suffer mental horrors, and how many will be hospitalized? How many will die? When are we going to accept that this is on all of us?

Love relationships are beautiful. Marriage is lovely. Religion is enlightening. Power saves. Guns save lives. The problem is the people behind them. The flawed humans. The monsters. Some of us.

We must all come together to stem this dangerous slide into darkness. We know these monsters. At times, we are them. Let us be kind, empathetic, supportive, and considerate. Let us watch out for each other, and our lives, homes, and society will start to heal

WARNING!!!

I am a freelance writer, not an investigative journalist. I have not investigated Osinachi Nwachukwu’s matter, nor has the law stated for a fact that her husband caused her death. That being said, there is no smoke without fire, so I will use this incident to revisit a dark part of humanity. 

The world is full of monsters.

Some men are monsters. A monster is not able to stop the abuse. A woman who wants to live must leave him. If lots of women leave him, he may change due to the dire consequences. An abuser abuses. They cannot stop. He will hit you again. Especially the inadequate man who cannot stand his successful partner, forgetting partners share everything! The same goes for the women who beat their husbands too. Women do more verbal and mental abuse, but yes, some women brutalize their men. I have seen too much in my short life. It’s usually men though. 

When you abuse your wife physically or mentally, you are raising your son to be a monster, telling him its ok to mistreat who you claim to cherish, and you are conditioning your daughter to loathe you, seek escape, but also accept abuse as a way of life, hereby corrupting her knowledge of acceptable living standards and throwing her in a prison for life. 

Some men who made parts of our culture and tradition are monsters. Culture and tradition are made up by men. Selfish manipulative men. The culture says to respect the husband no matter what. A wife leaving is stigmatized. She wants to mess around and frolic with men. Your mom and aunt went through it. It is nothing new.

Some laws of the land are made by monsters. Any case of human rights abuse should not be settled out of court. We all have the right to be treated well and to be safe in our homes and lives, and a right to be alive. But, the policeman beats his wife, the governor beats his wife, and the judge beats his wife. They will somehow side with the beater.

Some lawmakers are monsters. Apart from making the laws, breaking them, and not protecting lives from being lost, they take child brides at 10 years old, practice polygamy, can’t tolerate a cheating wife, talk of polyandry, and then cite religion and culture for human rights abuse.

Parts of our society are full of monsters. After every episode of abuse, the abuser will play to the people, on social media, he will bring bribes, display it openly, the society will say “he is sorry, accept the trip/honeymoon/car/jewellery, etc, he does love you!” The woman is pressured back into abuse. By the people she knows, loves, and trusts.

Some of our elders our monsters. They say “make it a private matter”, @marriage is tough”, “if only your mom told you what she went through!”, “do it for your children”, “keep his secrets”, “at least he provides”. They will tell the law they want to withdraw the case, and settle within the family. “Pami sile, ma pami s’ita!, like the Yoruba would say.

Some churches are full of monsters. The G.O. beats their spouse. The deacon too. We have heard of marriage counsellors who beat their spouses. They will use bible verses as excuses and say “there is nothing God cannot do!”. Yes, there is faith, but there is also common sense. Miracles happen but are the exception more than the rule. Prayer and fasting work, but may not soften a hardened heart. Why not jump off a cliff and say there is nothing God cannot do? The church, through monsters, appears to have unwittingly substituted faith for religion, and religion for culture.

 I am a Christian, and can only site my religion as an example, please bear with me. I am not against the church, just against some members giving the church a bad name through their dastardly actions.

Apart from direct quotes from God and Jesus that will never change, the rest is mostly Arab culture from 7000 to 2000 years ago. How can those cultural laws and guides apply to life now? Women should be seen and not heard? That was written into the holy books by some men [monsters] who needed to control and manipulate women and others from thousands of years ago, and their sons today, are grateful for it. If women wrote the bible, it would be different. History is always from the perspective of the recorder. Only what God says is linked to faith, the rest is the old culture of some people. The church, unfortunately, harbors some monsters, who tell the woman to” bear it, pray and fast, divorce is not an option”. But, mental torture, injuries death is? Real Christians will always factor in what Jesus would do. Love and faith. There is no pain, abuse, violence, and death in love and faith.

Some women are monsters. Some moms, aunties, sisters, and friends, will ask a woman to bear it, due to her financial incapacities, moral requirements, social standings of a woman, and so on. They will say “he is a provider, stay where your bread is buttered”, rather than help groom young ladies to always be financially capable, to be able to contribute in marriage, live a better life, and be ready for any eventuality.

Part of History is a monster, by forgetting those who have died in this struggle and allowing humanity to normalize degradation, decadence, corruption of the human spirit, lack of empathy, and a general lack of consideration and love for our fellow humans.

Some humans are monsters. “What did you say to get him angry?” “Don’t provoke him”. ” You too, don’t argue with him!”. “You should understand your man by now, he is hot-tempered!”.

Most of us are monsters, for we do not out our friends, brothers, sons, and fathers, make laws that protect and value all life, we do not give proportional punishment to defaulters, we pay lip service on social media. For example, everyone is talking on social media, outing some men recently, but that’s where it ends, can NAPTIP, DSVRT, the law, and relevant agencies follow these online confessions and stories? By the end of the week, when a major celebrity is bringing the bar of morality lower on Social Media, will we not forget Osinachi Nwachukwu and all those affected by then and move on to the new trend?

What lasting thing is being done?

THE SOLUTION IS US. BE KIND. CARE. PROTECT. LOVE YOUR NEIGHBOUR!

You don’t need to know your neighbour, nor do you need your sister’s or friend’s permission. Influence people. Teach people. Be a good example. Love your spouse genuinely. Be a good dad. If things still get out of hand, call the authorities. Reach the Nigeria Police. Reach DVSRT. Reach NAPTIP. Reach the NGOs.

It is not as easy as that, right? How many homes or children will suffer, right? Okay, husband beats wife, eventually kills wife, or wife kills husband, then, the dead are buried, the killer is jailed for life or killed for killing someone else. Who takes care of the kids then? What home are we left with? Better both spouses are both alive. Report them. Separate them, before death or hospitalization, or mental torture.

You are in pain when you stub your toe by accident, why deliberately inflict pain that you can’t bear on another being? How do you think they feel?

If they were your mom, sister, cousin, auntie, would you allow someone else to do this to them?

Until we all agree, and by we, I mean the society, all humans, and the law, we aid and abet. We should bind together to condemn this act, promote human rights and deal with such matters with the importance and gravity it should carry.

Let the law browse social media, there are confessions all over, and bring the culprits to book.

Let’s us all show strong disapproval to all abusers we know or abuse we see. 

Women, your life is most important. Go to the law and your family immediately. After you die, these in-laws will welcome the step-mom. The same applies to girlfriends too. You deserve to be treated like the princess that you are.

He only beats me because he loves me and is only correcting me”. If he doesn’t love me, he won’t correct (discipline) me!” Read that out loud. That is just wrong!

Monsters, search your souls, what if your woman could kill you if you “touch” her? What if she could hit harder? Stop this nonsense. Value life. What is the love you are professing? Love and violence are stark opposites.

Real men use words. Real men know their women are equal to them. Real men do what God would do.

About the Writer

Deji Sowunmi is a proud owner of glistening, glowing, beautiful dark caramel skin, sometimes a good husband; not so shabby a dad.

An architect, interior designer & decorator by day, and a lover and seeker of greatness for all mankind by night.

He is a lover, not a fighter, a hater of how rampant the degradation of culture, morals, decency, and humanity is, a committed community citizen, an ardent empathizer, and a keen general student of life.

Deji Sowunmi may not take himself so seriously but takes abuse of any form extremely seriously.

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23 thoughts on “Domestic Violence – the monster within us all”

  1. It’s indeed a terrible one. this April 2022 is indeed domestic violence month. May God help us all and bring happiness and joy to all homes

    1. You are absolutely right. April has been hot on domestic troubles, most of them violent.

      It hard to fathom how we easily turn on those we claim to love.

      Like you said, we need God. We also need discipline. We need to choose to be good, we need to be intentional about being good, and as a result, good examples.

      We have to encourage and check each other. Let us start from ourselves, the disciple others through our actions.

      I look forward to reading more from you. That is how I learn.

      I know I can count on you to better the world. That is the only thing we can do. Disciple one person at a time.

    2. God is always and already helping us to see the ills and consequences of domestic violence and why we should avoid it at all costs. It is left to us to be intentional about doing better.

      1. Most definitely sister. It is great that more people are coming out. Thank God for that. Any infringement on basic human rights are unacceptable. Be it your husband, wife, child, student, maid, assistants, treat them as you would like to be treated, if you were in their position.

        Go forth, and be kind. Be good. Always.

  2. It’s really heart breaking hearing or watching videos of men battering their wives.
    Though our culture says the man is the head it refuses to complete the statement with woman being the neck
    Thus, the head cannot stand without the neck

    1. Your analogy is so crisp and beautiful. What happens when you abuse and cripple your support? You cannot rise and you sow pain all around you.

      We must choose sense, goodness and kindness. To everyone.

  3. Abdullahi Yasser

    Incidents of domestic violence in Nigeria include battery, beatings, torture, acid baths, rape, and consequently, death. It is however, estimated that approximately one in every three women suffers domestic violence and Intimate Partner Violence from the hands of those who claim to love and supposedly, protect them. The mance is eating deep as most of the victims do not speak out about violations of their rights, a result of nonchalancy, insensitivity, and negative response from their immediate family and society at large.

    1. Exactly.

      We are all guilty. We know what goes on, but we be look the other way to favour those we love or respect, apologize privately to the victim, deliberately encouraging the abuse to go on.

      We must own up to abetting abuse, stop being culpable and together, stamp out this dangerous behaviour.

      We are who we know.

      Let us be good, kind and compassionate.

  4. Thanks for the piece

    You wrote my thoughts out

    I hope one day we are able to completely eradicate this Evil eating up people.

    Thanks once again

  5. Thanks for the piece

    You wrote my thoughts out

    I hope one day we are able to completely eradicate this Evil eating up people.

    Thanks once again

    1. I hope so too. We cannot just fold our arms. We have to show love, care and concern to everyone, no matter the status or gender.

      We all have value.

      We all deserve care, understanding, love, goodness and kindness.

    1. Thank you for your kindness.

      Please remember we all must be the change we wish to see.

      We must disciple others too. A person at a time.

  6. This is very profound. The problem of gender based violence didn’t just appeared out of the blues, it has been a progression of so many factors that we saw as irrelevant or infinitesimal.
    Over the years it has grown to be a monster that we are scared of.
    Since it didn’t appear out of the blues then it won’t fizzle out of oblivion.
    We must do our part
    Let’s end this vice by killing the monsters in us.

    1. That, we must. For favours, traditional and cultural traps, so many, women included, have decided to look the other and let the man have his way.

      The former traditional role as a breadwinner gave this unfair advantage, in this part of the world, to men, but women are more the breadwinners today, making equality of the genders a fact and lifestyle, more than an idea.

      Control and selfishness is still the order of the day in our communities, but we must accept our fault in this matter and take a stand.

      We need to stop human rights abuse and be good people, who treat others with kindness, love and respect first. We must be good humans first, then we can be good husbands, good wives, good bosses, amongst all other designates.

      We can do it. We just have to try. We can make the world a better place to live in. A world where nothing is taken at the expense of another.

    1. Thank you so much brother, you are too kind.

      Life is beautiful. It is full of splendour.

      The humans, unfortunately, can make life miserable for others.

      Imagine a world where half the population choose to be good, kind, considerate, caring and loving? The other half would receive same, and give back or pay it forward.

      If we can imagine it, we can do it.

  7. Beautiful piece, I can’t agree less with the ancient culture, with which we are still trying to fit into the world of today and yea, true… Mere men (beasts), wrote these, in the comfort of their homes and the world embraced it….. This insanity is been on for ages….. Let this enlightenment spread and humanity wakes up.
    Great!

    1. Thank you so much sir. Thank you for your generosity.

      Man would go to any extent to seek advantage, so they can lord it over others. They seek to control fellow humans.

      We just need to know others feel, just like we feel, and no one likes being cheated, treated unfairly or oppressed.

      We can lead by example, stop others and disciple others.

      Choose to be good. Choose to be kind. Choose love.

  8. Wemimo Olayanju

    Hello Everyone pls
    let’s not forget that marriage is still very beautiful. The misbehavior of some can’t become the totality of an institution that is critical to nation building.

    Become the right person
    Educate yourself before you step in …. ‍⚖️‍♀‍⚖️‍♀

    Know your deal breakers if there is any.
    Engage in a culture compatibility assessment and professional pre-marital assessments. Seek a Professional Counsellors advice when you have to.

    Design the frame work and document the direction before you both get wedded.
    Find your kind and bond with your kind
    Start the process of creating a new nation from your family

    Never forget that the most important nation on earth is your family because that’s the production factory of the society.

    Never ever settle for the narrative that marriage is bad.

    Marriage remains beautiful when two beautiful souls come together to build a great and beautiful community.

    #mycandidopinion

    1. Your opinion definitely resonates with me. The family is the foundation of the society, of the world. Teach and show love in your home, and there will be happiness, peace and progress in your home, and in the future, because your children will take that forward.

      We will not suddenly wake in a world with love, prosperity, togetherness, grow and happiness. We must sow the seed continuously and the world will reap it.

      We must be deliberate in how we sow.

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