People don’t get along because they stop trying to understand one another.

Dear Jolade,

I have read your article; what do women really want? See link here 

And I must confess I find it revealing, intriguing and of special interest. Please consider this article an unbiased response and rejoinder with the worthy title – “How men want their women!”

How we want our women

Men could be different one to another, but there are some basic features that unite us all. And in the course of this write up I will be focusing on the very basics, no embellishment.

All men are dissimilar for many reasons; from their educational background, in-born nature, nurture, level of exposure, religious inclination, culture, ambition and even vision.

Every man, and I repeat every man, has a vision of the kind of woman he wants to spend the rest of his life with. Unfortunately, most men do not get the kind of women they dream of and this is understandably so, because many women will not also get the luxury of ending up with their ideal men. So, life happens to us all and I suppose this is why we are human.

There is a popular myth that men are generally not as jealous as their female counterparts in a relationship. It is best to debunk this right away as a blatant fallacy. The menfolk are actually more jealous and territorial than most women think.

Science itself bears witness to this assertion as evident in the increasing number of men who fall into depression and even go on to commit suicide more than the womenfolk. The statistics are an open secret. It therefore turns out that men are quite fragile than many women think or even know.

While men internalize their fears, women externalize theirs. Here lies the basic difference.

For many decades, culture, religion and tradition has peached the man as a hero, a strong support and pillar, a provider and a leader. While one can grasp this in an historical context, the truth of the matter is that we are humans and the humanity of a man is not in any way greater than that of a woman.

In other words, while a man might not be the same as a woman, they are nothing but equals. The soul is the same; that much we know!

It is therefore pertinent to discuss this background, because assumptions and expectations are the two most critical factors that influence the relationship between a man and a woman.

In summary, People don’t get along because they stop trying to understand one another.

To reiterate again, I am convinced that one of the critical factors shaping the relationship between a man and a woman is the mental health. I am emphasizing this because it is something we have under-rated for too long in our society.

This conspicuous failure of the society has now degenerated into a psychological crisis and both sides are bringing this right into the relationship.

However you look at it, any relationship where either side is dealing with a mental health issue, there will always be a complicated relationship.

A man wants –

1, Understanding

Every man has a story. If you do not identify with the story of your man there is the likelihood that things won’t go as smooth as it should between you two. It baffles me to see relationships where couples of over ten years are still struggling with assumptions and feeding fat on expectations.

The first and foremost thing that any woman should do is to understand her man. Understand his flaws, his strength and try as much as possible to have a good grasp of his personal and social history.

When we understand people’s flaws it helps to avoid defining them as bad people out rightly, rather it helps to strengthen our relationship with them. Some men need time, some space, some need to be constantly active and engaged and none of this makes them out rightly bad in any sense.

It just says much of who they are!

2, A woman who does not take her private life, thoughts, fears and relationship to the public space or social media.

This is very true; most men if not all, tend to admire women who have mastered the art of keeping their privates matters out of social media and the public eye. Some women find validation for their thoughts on social media and some measure their resolutions by going to the public. For some women you can easily tell everything going on in their private life by checking up their status and posts on social media. This situation doesn’t make for an ideal woman because men are very secretive by nature find it hard to tolerate such!

3, Respect not submission

Women tend to think submission is the same as respect. No!

A real man does not want submission, as a matter of fact, real men have long mastered the art of independence. The problem here is that most women confuse the act of respect with submission! A woman who does not respect herself can never and will never know how to respect a man.

Men extol and idolize the dignity that comes with respect. Put dignity, honor, trust, self-respect, morality and discipline into your affairs with a man and he will idolize you forever. This is something you offer not something you do or measure out or calibrate. And if you don’t have it you can never give it!

4, Productivity/Intelligence

Men love productive women! It as simple as that.

Life is a journey, the whole idea of love is to create an emotional and physical support system for relationships. Men love women that can add value. When a woman improves herself she becomes sexier, romantic and indispensable! That is the truth as it is! No one needs a burden.

Women should not stop working on themselves. The most important time in any relationship is spent communicating so why should a woman not upgrade herself to improve engagement with her man.

5, Communication

While communication is the soul of every relationship I think it is important for women to know and understand that men communicate differently. Women are mostly “narrative” in nature while men are “expressive” in nature. Naturally, only a few men are naturally good in communicating and this comes with how they are wired. This does not mean that men do not express themselves as good as the women folk.

Some men communicate through inaction and some through their actions. Figure out your man; this is where understanding comes in again.

6, Cleanliness

Even rough and untidy men love to be with clean women. If you are not clean and tidy, how do you intend to have a great relationship?  If a woman is not only clean/neat but stylish as well, then it is a great bonus: it is a guarantee that men will fall on themselves to get her attention.

A woman should be like a flower; smell nice, appear beautiful and lovely. As a matter of fact she should be sassy.

7, Tolerance

No matter how you look at it, a man wants a tolerant woman. Most men can’t stand a woman who has a point to prove all the time. As long as a woman is not a fool, being fooled or being treated like a slave, then she has a reason to be tolerant. This is taking into cognizance the fact that a man and a woman can never get along without individual sacrifices.

Men tend to respect woman who tolerates their basic flaws.

 8, Patience

In every matter of life, patience is a great virtue to have and it is no different in every relationship. Just as the popular saying; the patient dog eat the fattest bone. So many relationships have started poorly and ended up great. Time changes, situation changes and people change.

I have never come across a man who claims to want an impatient woman for a partner. If you are desperate to be rich or desperate for material things, you won’t get along with most men.

The life of a man is in phases, women must learn to roll with the phases. Any man whose life will count for something must have his life in seasons.

 9, Home Management

When a man bonds too well with a woman, wherever they co-habit becomes home.  Men are drawn to women who can manage the home front and this is not about cooking or sweeping. It is basically about administration of the home.

A woman who can engineer the home to be comfortable for her partner owns his heart. There is nothing wrong with a woman having a career or other business endeavors as long as it goes on seemingly well with the administration of the household.

10, Fidelity

Aside money, infidelity is one of the biggest reasons for break-ups and divorce. Men can’t stand an unfaithful woman! Well Except their relationship is not serious enough. Men are not only jealous, they are also very territorial!

11, Women who can tame their ego

We all know that ego can be much disastrous than its usefulness. The absence of ego is bad thing. Without ego there will be no class or ambition, but too much of it will also ruin a good relationship.

90% of most relationships or marriages that don’t work out usually occurs because both sides are not ready to bend their ego, even a little bit.  Relationship is sacrifice and love is the master of all sacrifices and it doesn’t go well with ego, talk less of too much ego.

Use your ego to better yourself and your man not to ruin what you share.

12, Conflict management

It is important for both sides to have a good grasp of conflict management. We are all emotional being and what we share in the form of affection, romance and love are emotional too. So there is bound to be conflict. Anything real comes with conflict, it is the way of the world! 

When women begin to see conflict as the end, the relationship will not stand. Conflict could be hard but honestly it is an asset especially an emotional asset; it allows for self-reassessment, it allows for understanding of each other and it allows for re-engagement of the bond that two people share.

13, A friend

Either you are a wife, a fiancé, in a relationship, a lover or a girlfriend, make sure you are a friend to your man. Men always go back to their friends;  a friend is a refuge to a man.

Be yourself, be opened, be humorous, be playful, don’t take things too seriously, be loyal, be a confidant, show genuine empathy and you will easily win a man over permanently. If your presence makes your man happy, engaging and relaxed you have become his refuge.

Jolade, I sincerely hope your article and mine will help in the smallest ways to re-engage couples intellectually and emotionally.

Cheers