You have been Ghosted? - How to deal?

Ghosting is a type of emotional abuse. Nothing more” 

One minute you are having the best time of your life and the next minute, you are wondering what hit you!

You have been in a relationship for a couple of months and it has been amazing all the way. He has always been a gentleman, respectful, charming, accommodating and sometimes unusually quiet. You may wonder if everything is just fine with him, but he wished your fears away easily and warmed his way into your heart again.

Nothing could have prepared you for what would happen the next morning after you kissed goodnight. It had been a great evening of food, drink and romance, so when he dropped you off, you were just content to sleep with a smile.

That was the last time you heard from prince charming. No calls; calls to his mobile phone went unreplied for weeks. No SMS; you have sent scores of messages and you are beginning to wonder if you were hallucinating all of the time he was with you. Messages that got delivered were unread, some messages never got delivered, and those delivered and even read were unacknowledged.

If emails used to be the primary mode of communication, none was ever received or replied. Absolutely no communication whatsoever! Not a whiff. Nothing!

Poof and then just eerie silence! It felt like he never existed.

At first you are confused and lost, wondering what the heck happened? You ended the night pleasantly, there was no fight, not even an argument. You probably even talked about the future the day before, you planned for months ahead and there was nothing to tip you off.

Take a breath!

We all must have experienced this sometime in our relationships.

Think about it. There isn’t a time when it doesn’t hurt so deeply. Whether your partner was just a one-time date or committed in a relationship.

You have just been ghosted!

In case you are unfamiliar with the term “ghosting,” it refers to someone suddenly disappearing from your life without any explanation. If you try to contact someone who has just ghosted you, that person is likely to avoid answering your calls, texts, or emails.

You then ask yourself, if it’s normal in a relationship for ghosting to happen?

Just so we are clear, the answer is a big fat NO!

Ghosting is not normal in any relationship, even if it lasts only for a few days or weeks. Unfortunately, nowadays it has become an acceptable form of “breaking up” with a partner or anybody.

Sometimes, some people forget that real life is not a social media app like Tinder, where you swipe right, swipe left and then unmatch. It takes more than this to deal with real human emotions, and ignorance is not the way that will get you far. 

Ghosting is a type of emotional abuse. Nothing more. A dear friend of mine would love to call it “silent aggression”. I find that a bit amusing to be honest. No matter how you choose to look at it, it’s an absolutely crazy and insensitive thing to do and whoever is the “ghoster” is probably a big Coward!

It’s a cowardly behaviour people use to avoid being upfront about changed feelings. Many people do it on purpose because they do not want to confront their fears and decisions.

The truth is, most people who ghost others do not like confrontations. They are taking a way out of the relationship that allows them to avoid facing any unpleasantness. This is a cruel and selfish way to end a relationship because the other person is left without an explanation or any form of closure.

Ghosting leaves the “ghostee” hanging, confused, and unsure of what really went wrong. Many times it spirals the ghostee into an emotional depression and question their sanity and mental stability. Those who have been through this experience often explain that in the first few days or weeks after the sudden lack of communication, they are still grappling with questions about what they did wrong to spook their partners and never admitting that the problem really isn’t with them.

This is because the sudden and unannounced severance of all forms of communication with no reason or warning, is enough of a shock and makes little sense of the emotions invested in the relationship.

So what causes this despicable act in a relationship?

Let’s look from the perspective of the Ghoster!

  • The Ghoster liked this person, but was afraid of a commitment, so opted for the easier route and cut all contacts with her.
  • Some have pointed out that they do not use the social media much anyway, and so if any ongoing conversations become uninteresting, they sometimes just forget about them and end up answering two days to two weeks later.
  • He probably ghosted you assuming that you will get over it by understanding that his behaviour likely had little to do with you.
  • The Ghoster suddenly realized that his partner was getting a little crazy and creepy and was interested in other things rather than genuinely getting to know him. He was hopeless and so ghosted her. And he didn’t feel bad since he figured that she wouldn’t even care about him.

To be brutally honest, none of these excuses is worth the emotional trauma that the ghostee would have to endure before she gets a grip of her life and her emotions. At the least, the ghostee would like to know what exactly they did wrong, and know that it’s over. A closure!

A ghoster is just plain deceitful, hurtful and a disgraceful coward.

Here is a list of the real reasons why they would ghost you;

  • They do not like confrontations and do not want to have to deal with the other person’s reactions.
  • They have a history of avoiding difficult conversations.
  • They find it easier to just disappear than tell the truth.
  • They rationalize ghosting as less hurtful than saying that they no longer want to see the other person.
  • They do not care about the other person’s feelings, just their own.
  • They have a history of ghosting people.
  • They want to preserve their image as a good person. If they told you to your face that they no longer want to see you, they could not avoid seeing your hurt feelings, anger, and disappointment. They would then feel like a bad person for hurting you.
  • Some people believe that if they leave without any explanation, it will be easier to return later.

Now that we have rationalized the selfish reason why people ghost others in a relationship how then do you get over a ghosting experience?

Oh well, there is no one size fits all solution. And the tips in this post is just for your own good and certainly just an opinion.

  • When you wake up to the sudden reality that you have been ghosted, stop sending messages and trying to call your ghoster. Let him be! It’s a waste of energy or time
  • I am not proud to say this and this may sound pretty harsh and tough, but I would block the ghoster from every facet of my social and emotional life. My social media, phone, messages. He should get a dose of his own medicine.
  • I would commence the process of moving on. No point waiting on someone who is selfish enough to care only about their feelings. How do you explain not getting in touch or finding out about your partners wellbeing. It just doesn’t make sense. Move On! Get over it.

One big question remains though;

What if he comes back after a few weeks, months, years. What happens then?

Would you take the ghoster back?

Share your experience, I would love to hear from you!

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29 thoughts on “You have been Ghosted? How to deal?”

    1. *This message is from a dear friend*

      I experienced this and accepted the person back after 3/4 disappearing acts which only caused more pain.
      He would sometimes disappear when he is reminded that there is no sex before marriage.

      I eventually allowed the Holy Spirit to take over my life fully, lead me and allowed my brain to work.

      What was I protecting?
      1. The friendship?
      2. The relationship?
      3. What would people say – which they were already saying anyway…?
      4. Feelings of not wanting to get hurt?…..but….. hey!…..you’re already hurt.
      5. A false truth? – a lie

      I got married and the person came back pleading and begging me to leave my husband and marry him…..not once, not twice……. *thank God for Christ and the salvation of my soul*. He is still regretting his actions.

      Imagine getting married to someone like that, they could walk out of the marriage they should always fight for
      Going back is like going back to one’s vomit – like a dog. Mo ya look-away ni oo

      My advice to those going through this…… *Follow God, stand up, stand tall, stand firm….there is strength in you for a better you.*
      It’s okay to hurt but move on with joy.

      *NOTE* – sometimes, there are exceptions to the rule……not many fall under this category though.
      A very good friend of mine who was Ghosted…..the lady returned after a year…..long story cut short…… they eventually got married ……and they have been doing well for 15 years now.

      Please accept my writing style ️

      1. While I agree to the exceptions to the rule, only very few people get that lucky. Thanks for sharing your emotional story. The truth is we must seek to continuously learn and going back isnt an option. Cheers

  1. Titilope Idowu

    It is the lack of closure for me. It can drive you crazy pushing you to make irrational decisions like taking them back.
    In the final analysis, one should never beg to be loved. Selah

  2. Hmmmmm experienced this before and trust me it’s heart wrenching..But at the end you just have to learn the lessons and keep it going..But most importantly try not to build resentment because truth is he/she doesn’t give a hoot.No one takes a walk without explanation from someone they value.Don’t have the believe that they would come back because trust me the come back may not last and it’s going to be a repeated cycle.Just forgive and move on..ITs not your responsibility to rebuild a bond you didn’t break!!!!!!

  3. Going through this at the moment, n I think my partner enjoys it! He calls at his own pace, saying he knows he’s been acting off, but I should give him time. The truth is I have remained calm in all but I’m beginning to let go ! Cus somethings r not adding up! He calls video calls just to see or read my facial expressions! N he still carries on with d act even when sometimes I look quite sad. We had an issue n I had begged him n explained for us to talk, trash it n move on! But he refused n always said he wasn’t in d mood to talk about d issue. Now it’s 6days almost a week and he’s still not ready to talk but treats me like I’m no longer important to him! He calls when he wants n doesn’t read my messages often talk more of replying. So at this point I’m beginning to draw strength to love myself better n move on.

    1. Benedicta, I empathize with you. But “Ghosters” are unrepentant, time wasters and selfish. You must see them for what they really are. There is always someone much better and deserving out there. You must get the courage to move on. Anyone who loves you will make you happy. Gbam!

    2. Dear Benedicta,
      Please you better break up with him. After breaking up, if its cry please cry, crying is a form of expressing emotions. Ghosters are not always thinking about others. Its so selfish and i bet you that guy doesn’t like you and if you ontinue like that you will get depressed and even more destructive if you eventually decide. Please make up your mind, text him and tell him you are done. Be truthful about it and I promise you you will find love. Please don’t forget if crying is best do it and make sure you move on fast.

  4. After spending 4days together in Lagos cos I live in Ibadan, he stopped picking my calls the night I got back home and blocked me a week later after I continued to pester him to know what was going on…
    It was the biggest shock of my life
    We were even talking about living together and babies before I went back home

  5. Adedamola Ilori

    Ghosting is damn pathetic for the ghoster, it’s an attitude that will rub off on overall success of an individual. You’ve got to be able to look people in the eye and make your stance clear,if not ,ones growth in life most likely would be a stunted one.

  6. Modinat Adekunle

    Ghoster! Never met one luckily. Ghosting is a horrible thing to do. But the best is to move on, look yourself in the mirror and say “I deserve better”.

    Thanks for sharing.

  7. Bamisaye Janet

    I’ve been ghosted a lot of times than I could ever remember. One week he is all nice and sweet another two weeks I don’t even know what is happening with him. It became something fun for him to do, from a week or two to a month of ghosting. He was so sure that I would always take him back. One day I got fed up and cried my eyes out blocked him, deleted his number, ended streaks with him and painfully moved on.
    It wasn’t easy at first because I always toyed with the idea of calling him to check up on him and all but I had to be self disciplined.

    1. I understand that it must have been truly difficult to move on. But the truth is that your true partner will not ghost you.

  8. This is just so amazing. Hmmm, sometimes, you don’t even wanna fall in love again coz you won’t know what is gonna happen at the end of the day. Been through it before, but I’m happy I was able to summon up courage to tell him I never wanna have anything to do with him again. Even till the last moment, he still tried to be his nice self trying to make me take him back. Tis well sha

  9. I can never take a “ghoster” back. I have experienced it before and it was crazy but thank God for strength.

  10. I would not take him back,ghosting was the signs of a coward. I don’t want to have a coward as the father of my children

    2021…we move …no time to check time

    I moved on almost immediately he left ,I have a feeling he would want to come back but I would be in my husband’s house by then in Jesus name then he would realize he lost a rare gem while chasing shadows *giggles*

  11. I’ve been ghosted twice. Once in 2016. The second last year and this was how I dealt with them. Wasn’t easy but definitely worth it.

    The first came over to stay with me for a few days during my nysc. Was still a V then. We got freaky but anything that had to do with penetration, I just wasn’t ready and willing to. He kept asking for it but I said no. He went back and stopped picking calls even on his way back. Kept giving excuse that his phone was on silent. Someone whose phone is always ringing out loud whenever he came to stay with me. I suddenlyy knew what he was doing and sent him a long ass message telling him I won’t be apart of whatever game he is playing. I already prepared my mind for no reply. I just needed to get it out of my chest. I felt at peace after that and no longer called nor texted him.
    He tried to strike up a msg one month after. I didn’t reply. He did again 2 months after. I didn’t reply. Blocked him everywhere and never looked back.

    The 2nd started ghosting after we had already gotten quite close. Still in the talking stage though. He would reply msgs one hour after or two days after. He came back to normal after 1 week of misbehaving and was telling me how busy he was. He was busy yet kept coming online on WhatsApp and was uploading status. Nobody is a fool Oga. I told him straight up what he was doing. He did it again shortly after and was forming busy at work. It started seeming like he was no longer interested in getting to know me but just wanted to be freaky. I told him I won’t tolerate his misbehaviour anymore and I sent him away and deliberately started distancing myself. It was difficult to do but I had to.

    The only cure to their madness is to mirror their bad behavior. Once they see you are no longer calling them and excessively texting them, they would start to think they no longer have a hods on you. They would think they are no longer special. That’s when they decide to try to come back.

  12. I think this flips both ways though.

    I’m male and I got ghosted recently. The only thing I’m yet to do is take my life because I’ve never felt so worthless and less than a human before.

    Whether or not if I’ll head, I can’t say because even my family knows her.

    I guess I’ll just take it by the day.

    1. Hey bro!!!!! I noticed the post presented “the man” as the ghoster from the pronouns, but that’s understandable, mostly men ghost.

      But bro, I’ve been here, it fucking hurt me.. It’s been 4 years and I really miss her..

      I didn’t handle it well then, I was a kid, but now I know better.

      BRO MOVE ON. I FU*CKING SWEAR. Move on, it’s gonna be difficult, it’s gonna make you fall, but move. I recommend you watch some Jordan Peterson’s video or any of those patriarch online, they’ll give a lil boost.

      Just move okay!!!!! Trust me, 1 year, 2 years from now you won’t feel it again.

      And if you are the type that socializes (unlike me) it would be easy for you. I got you man!!!

  13. I’ve been ghosted thrice by friends, twice by one and once by the other. Lol, I hunted down the second one because it was really out of nowhere, we were cool after an argument and then boom! I sent texts everywhere and then kept calling until he unblocked me, then I had to get *closure* which wasn’t really closure because we talk now, just not as much as before. The one who has ghosted twice does it after arguments over things that were subtle jokes or irrelevant things. I’ve always been the one reaching out, but this last time…not me.

    I don’t ghost people even when I have reasons to because I’d rather talk it out. We should have a conversation for us to understand what and what caused a fight so we can maybe better our friendship or know if we are saying our goodbyes.

  14. I’ve gotten so used to ghosting to the extent that when I start enjoying a relationship with someone, I expect the person to ghost, I’ve built up a form of resistance to it. Ghosting is even seen as a positive trait to some extent.

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