The Mentees Who Never Came Back

I have been mentoring young people for many years now, decades even. I have met them one on one in private, on phone calls and on virtual calls. I have shared with them whatever knowledge, experience and wisdom I have, and at some point I even opened up my network to some of them. Along the way I have also built a sort of process for mentoring, but this post is not about that process.

I must say I have been fortunate. The young people who find their way to me are not the ones with a history of bad behaviour. They are not perfect, to say the least, but they are yearning for knowledge. They see the guidance I give as something that can help them become better versions of themselves, and I have watched many of them grow from the conversations we have had.

The ones who come and go

This post is about something else, something I have noticed over the years.

A young person, very ambitious, sees me as a leader and a mentor and reaches out. We have a rush of three, four, five sessions, and then they disappear.

Another one comes. We have one long, intimate session, and at the end of it they are so energised. “Wow, I want to do this again,” they say. I don’t see them again.

Then there is the one who has been observing me from a distance for a long time before finally coming up to me. For me, that one is very special. We have a heart-to-heart conversation, and I help them see clearly what they are going through. Then, boom, I don’t see them again.

Is it me?

After a few years of this, I started to wonder whether the problem was me. Here were people who openly associated themselves with me, confident enough to say, “Look, I’d love to be mentored by you.” We would have a session or two, and off they went. Could it mean that I provided no value?

I even wondered if it was a personality thing. Maybe I was not able to sustain a mentoring relationship over a long period. Some stayed longer, some stayed a short while, and some were one-offs. Yet even the one-offs still held me in high esteem as they moved on.

What I found when I followed up

So I looked more closely. I followed up with some of them, a phone call or two, and I realised they were doing pretty well. They had gone past the limitations they came to me with.

It did not mean they had fixed their whole lives, or that they did not need more help. But they had got what they needed at that time, and it was enough to get them past the obstacle they were dealing with.

The kind of mentor I am

In trying to find answers, I read books, reflected on my own and talked to a few people. Over time, I came to realise that my mentorship style is different.

I do not know all the mentorship styles that exist in the world, but this one I know for sure. I am not the mentor who tags you along. I am not the guy who pulls you and tells you, “Follow me, let us march together.” I am the kind of mentor you meet who redirects you.

I am not the mentor who tags you along.
I am the kind of mentor you meet who redirects you.

You come to me needing clarity on an obstacle. You take what I have to offer, my knowledge, my experience and whatever wisdom I have, and once you have the clarity you need, you move on. Later, when you meet an obstacle that our last encounter cannot get you past, you come back, you get some more, and you move on again. I redirect you, and you go.

Since that realisation came to me, I have stopped feeling out of sorts. I have stopped feeling inadequate, or feeling that I did not make enough impact. Like I said earlier, I have been fortunate to get the smart ones, the ones with their heads screwed on straight, and they know how to take the clarity they need.

When I talk about what I give them, I do not mean money or gifts. I mean the ability to discern, to meet people at their point of need with the right words, the words that put them on the path of greatness. I thank God for that, because I cannot claim it as my own.

“You said this”

Every now and then, one of my mentees will say to me, “You said this the other day, and it stuck with me.” Most times I have no idea I said it, or that I had that depth of wisdom in me. I find myself wondering, who said that? Was it me?

Not everyone works on what we discuss, of course. Some still go round in circles. But some genuinely pick the right things and run with them, and those are the ones who bring my words back to me.

I cannot fully explain what happens in those conversations. Once I get into the moment, it is almost like an out-of-body experience, as if I become somebody different. I see through whatever they are trying to work out, and I tell them exactly what to do. I take them through the process and the steps, and I give them pointers so they will know they are on the right track. Then all that is left is for them to go and do it.

So I am not the mentor who says, “Come back tomorrow, let’s meet next week, how are you doing?” I am not the guy who calls you every day to ask how it went. But you can rest assured of this: if we meet this week and see each other again a year from now, you will tell me that week started the fire. You will tell me the words that stuck with you, because they were the right words for where you were.

If we meet this week and see each other again a year from now, you will tell me that week started the fire.

Letting them go

I am not claiming to know it all or to have all the wisdom in the world. I can tell you for free that God has given me wisdom, because I have asked Him for it in prayer for many years. I don’t even think I am one in a million. Other people can do this too.

But I now understand something about myself. Some mentors stay close and walk the whole road with the people they mentor. I am happy to let mine go after our encounter, knowing fully well that they will impact the world around them with what they took from it.

In 2025, I started a club at the office called 3ryv, and it ran for six months. It proved to me that what people need is an environment where they can listen and become reflective, where they can understand where they are going and what they are aiming at. They used that to change their own lives, and indirectly, the lives of others.

So I am grateful for every opportunity to mentor, even when it is just one conversation. My hope is that the next stage I am going into will scale this, so that we can impact this generation and create a beautiful world for everybody.